I Wasn't Listening

I told you to sit down 

and 

shut up.

I told to to 

stop 

being an asshole 

and just leave your sister alone.

I told you that I hated 

how nasty you could be to me, to all of us.

The last words you ever said to me were 

that you were going to call CPS on me

because I smacked you across the face 

when you were being cruel.

I still think you deserved that smack

for calling your sister a fat bitch.

But my biggest regret is not listening 

to your side of the story. 

You did not deserve whatever was going on 

in your mind that made you

walk out onto the balcony 

on the 16th deck of the MSC Seashore

and

jump

fly

   free

       fall

           8 stories below

in the light of a full moon

in the middle of the Atlantic ocean

with the shore of Cuba off in the distance

and die.

Instantly.

And now? 

17 months have passed with you gone

and every day I smack myself

across the face

and tell myself to

sit down

and

shut up.

Because not listening was the biggest mistake

I have ever made

and you killed yourself 

because

I 

wasn't

listening.