On my worst days without you
I like to imagine the Multiverse,
another universe just a breath away
where you did not kill yourself that night
and we reconciled like countless fights before,
said our sorrys and I love yous and life went on.
A universe where you stayed,
what a beautiful place that must be.
I can imagine you, more man than boy,
college acceptances and big decisions
and a whole LIFE laid out before you
with friends and first loves and jobs and school,
highs and lows and everything in between.
L
I
F
E
lost....when you ended your life, you took mine with you.
I wonder what your mom in the Multiverse is like now,
with an almost-18-year-old man-child
on the precipice of EVERYTHING that comes next...
What must it be like for her to look forward to the future?
All I can do in this universe is miss you and hate myself.
How could I have ever known there would be no sorrys,
no I love yous, no I forgive yous, no hugs?
I'll never walk away from another fight again,
not ever. It is my biggest regret, leaving that room.
If your mom in the Multiverse gets to hug you,
she is the luckiest person in the world.
Here on Earth, I spend another day crying and missing you,
and wishing none of this was real.
Is this really real? 2+ years later and I still ask every day, hoping to wake up.
Missing you is really the only thing that stays the same anymore.
I miss making you chocolate Valentine's hearts on a plate or taking you for Valentine's donuts. You LOVED donuts so much.
I miss when you used to come home from school and always came to check on me first and see how my day was going. You always asked me how work was going, and it was my favorite part of the day.
I miss hearing you playing games in the basement with your buddies. Our house is so quiet without you. When Harrison was here last weekend my brain heard him laughing and thought it was you and my heart skipped a beat before my brain caught up.
I miss everything...even the bad days, even the worrying, even the stress and anxiety of having a chronically ill child dealing with mental health.
I miss you. Nothing is the same, except that.
