Aiden Charles Bailey died at 7:30pm on December 22, 2021, at age 15 years 9 months. On a cruise ship somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean between Cuba and Miami, depression and mental illness ripped my child's tender heart from this world and he chose to end his own life.
Yesterday marked 12 weeks since Aiden died by suicide 3 days before last Christmas. We have been trying to pick up the pieces of our shattered hearts and somehow stitch them back together, all the while missing him every minute of the day. My grief counselor recommended journaling as a way to express my feelings in this lonely and desperate walk of grief, and because I hate hand-writing anything this blog was born: Heart Strings & Broken Things. Until Aiden died I didn't know that it was possible to physically hurt from grief. You hear the expression "tugs at the heart strings" and you think you know what that means, that little pull when you're missing someone. But losing a child? This is pain like I have never known in my life. This is can't catch my breath, heart in a vice, ice in my veins, guttural screaming PAIN, and I know that I will carry it with me for the rest of my life. We are broken, and he is buried, and all I can hope is that he is now free from the pain that weighed him down and hurt his heart so badly here on Earth.
This blog, just like my grief journey, will not be linear. It will jump all over the place with scattered thoughts and starts and stutters, just like real life. It's more for me than anyone else, but I'll probably share it on Facebook, because I find comfort in reading about other parents' grief journeys so someone might find comfort in mine. I have learned, since Aiden died, that there are so many other parents out there like me and Chuck who are grieving the loss of a child to suicide and trying to navigate life, raise other children, have careers, etc. all while missing our child unbearably. We are just trying to not drown in an ocean of grief. So here is the first entry of many about learning how to swim...
